Wednesday, April 10, 2019

la vie.

untuk semuanya.
atas segalanya.

kalau sekarang hatimu penat, jiwamu lelah dan tubuhmu letih; berdoalah. kalau sekarang perasaanmu tenang, fikiranmu aman dan ragamu lapang; berdoalah. kalau sekarang langit di sana mendung, kelam dan penuh dentuman; berdoalah. kalau sekarang langitmu meriah dengan kelip bintang, sinar matahari dan cahaya bulan; berdoalah. kalau sekarang perjalananmu buntu, masa depanmu kabur dan langkahmu tidak yakin; berdoalah. kalau sekarang urusanmu lancar, pandanganmu jelas dan laluanmu tidak macet; berdoalah. kalau sekarang kau masih mencari jawapan atas soalan-soalanmu yang kelmarin; berdoalah. kalau sekarang pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu sudah pun terjawab; berdoalah. kalau sekarang iman terasa hangat, ibadah masih mudah dan memaknakan istighfar itu ringan; berdoalah. kalau sekarang taqwa terasa sukar, ikhlas semakin pudar dan airmata taubat kian kontang; berdoalah. kalau ketika ini kau mulai ragu apakah kau mendoakan hal yang sepatutnya selama ini; berdoalah. kalau ketika ini kau bahagia kerana merasakan doa-doamu yang lama kau pertahankan mulai terwujud satu persatu; berdoalah.
dan setelah semua itu, jika kau masih punya sedikit ruang dalam tadah tanganmu yang tidak tahu ingin kau isikan dengan apa, apakah boleh jika aku yang menumpang di situ untuk doamu yang baik-baik? 

ya, ketika dunia sementara yang penuh dengan ketidaksempurnaan ini saban waktu dikosmetikkan dengan segala khayalan untuk menyempurnakan tampilannya supaya manusia melupakan hakikat keabadian akhirat, kita tidak punya harapan lain selain doa-doa kita kepada Tuhan. mungkin masing-masing di antara kita sedang menanggung dosa peribadi yang sebolehnya ia kekal sebagai urusan rahsia hanya antara diri kita sendiri dengan Tuhan, sehingga kita menemukan jalan keluar daripada kegelapan itu. sungguh, setiap inci dalam bungkusan doa kita terlalu berharga untuk disia-siakan. maka, marilah saling berkongsi ruang kerana entah kiriman doa yang mana yang akan sampai dalam keadaan terbaiknya kepada Tuhan. untuk semuanya dan atas segalanya-- Tuhan Maha Mengetahui sedangkan kita tidak mengetahui.

Sunday, April 07, 2019

coffee stains.

hmm, how should i tell you about this. nah, i think i'll just leave it raw. anyway, this from bayyinah- a concise commentary of surah yusuf. the very first part from the total of fifteen.

surah yusuf (surah number 12) is among the most told stories in sunday school culture. but the way it was told, it is so tragic.. it is not told as an exciting things. Allah called it as the best stories(ayah number three). when a muslim teenager or a ten or twelve years old said, "okay.. it is the best stories because Allah said so." then what it's mean is she/he was not convinced. why? because we haven't done enough job in telling the story. 
there is another secret ingredient to this too. today, what's the value of a story? entertainment.
but Allah's call it is the best stories. He put this in a contest. this is the best of something, it is number one. now who are the other contender to the story? every novels, every short stories, every movies, every tv shows, every season and every episode of a tv shows, every piece of poetry that may have a piece of story in it, every cartoons, every comic books, every video games that have story line in it, everything.. they're all in one side. and surah yusuf was on the other side. 
that's a pretty epic challenge. 
you'll not see the value of the story and you'll see that come, on who's gonna give this more ratings than this movie that just came out or that epic saga or whatever else.. right? the problem is one thing, and one fundamental thing only. 
the reason why people gravitate towards the story is an entertainment. we go like.. to see a movie cause it is entertaining. you don't sit there with notes. and you don't sit there  and "there's life lesson there when he stab a guy" or  "the guy kick him in the face.. there's another wisdom to be learnt." you see.. it's an action movie.. watching it like.. it was pretty awesome.. "i've got see that scene again.." there's nothing beyond the entertainment value. 
and entertainment is very flailing, in other word it doesn't last. the nature of entertainment is you don't normally get entertained by the same things too many time over and over again. so, if you already seen it, if you already heard it, the next time around you'll not get entertained by this much because you.. the anticipation, the anxiousness of what gonna happen next, the mystery it is all already been solved. you know like.. when you're watching a thriller or mystery movie or something.. they don't solve the puzzle until the very last scene. but since you already known what gonna happen or when your horrible friend, who already told you what gonna happen when the movie starts, "oh thats the killer." and you was like "seriously?" if that's the case then no entertainment for you. 
now the quran by necessity, it was repeated a lot. like we're gonna repeat this story a lot. which means the idea, the sentiment, the attitude we have to all stories which is "i already heard this.. i already know what's gonna happen.. so no mystery to me.." it's very natural if we bring that attitude to the story in the quran. it's not unnatural cause.. that's the story. 
the change and the appreciation will come when we understand something that Allah bring out at the end of this surah. Allah said, in the story there are emotionally moving lessons(ayah number one hundred eleven). ibrah(in this ayah) comes from ayn ba ra- ma'abarah means to cross water. ibrah also used when you learn a lesson so moving to you that a tear from your eye crosses over. in other word you can't hold the tear anymore. it is that emotionally moving. 
Allah said, in the story, if you're paying attention, you gonna find your own story. it's gonna relate so well and it's gonna moved you to tears. that's what He's saying. in another words, when you reading this story it's like you're reading your own story. 

ah, i don't think we have enough time and space here to go through everything in details. so, i'll just keep things original and simple as it is. so, this is from another lecture, but not from the same session or medium as above. still, the speaker is the same- nak. a long lecture and this part i captured below is somewhere in the middle.

i love the story of yusuf a.s particularly. because of the goodness(khair) in it. all those years his father(yaakob a.s) cried, yes? his father almost lost his eyesight and eventually he became blind from crying. but all this time where was yusuf a.s? yusuf a.s was in a prison. he was a child servant. when he got old enough he was thrown into prison. he spent many of his years in jail. so either he served as a servant or he served as a prisoner inmate in jail. not a good life. that's not a good life. but at the end of it all when he interprets the dream of a king, and that dream means that the entire economy is going to collapse in seven years. and people are going to die from starvation, the only one who knows how to handle that crisis was yusuf a.s. 
had he not been in jail he would have never helped the king. if yusuf a.s was with his father the whole time that never would have happened. but now yusuf a.s is there to interpret the dream and says "i am the one who can take care of this responsibility." "make me the treasury secretary." "give me the responsibility" when he does that and he take care of it, what happens next? what happens next is thousands if not hundreds of thousands of parents don't have to cry that their children died of starvation. one father cried for several years. but his tears, Allah made them a way of saving thousands of family from crying. because if he didn't save that economy, and he didn't save that crop, the entire land would have been in drought. and people would've died of starvation and war would've happened. all kinds of crisis would've happened. 
sometimes the difficulty you go through isn't just better for you, maybe through your difficulty you will become an ongoing charity for so many others. you don't even know. you might not understand today or tomorrow but eventually Allah will reveal why you went through everything you did.

yeah, that's it.

Monday, April 01, 2019

a homograph.

this is confusing. have you ever wonder why patient and patient spelled and pronounced the same? then how to explain the difference in meanings between these two words when they were put in a connected concept situation? like do a doctor always told their patient to be patient? or do someone need to embrace the experience of being a patient to learn how to be patient? or do a patient soul was once a suffering patient in the past, but now healed and activated their self-healing ability? i don't know. 
do you know?

Sunday, March 17, 2019

paracetamol 500mg.


that is the sound of price barcode scanner at the cashier counter.

"how much?"
"sixty one dollar and ninety three cent sir."

by the way, can we talk about pain? what is pain? for me, pain is a postcard. i mean, its a part of communication mechanism in our body. try this- when our finger touch a hot stove, the sensory cell quickly wrote a postcard about what the finger is up to and drop it to the mail box. he wrote down the tracking number too, just in case anything happen to his precious postcard. soon after, the postman, the nerve, picked up the postcard from the mail box. he read the address- brain, in the head. unlike our courier service here, the nervous system have a very effective working system. the postcard arrived at the head and the brain read it right at the moment he received it. 'brain bro, i think this finger dude here will get us burned, you should tell him to stop now.' panicky, the brain pull his drawer out and quickly took out the 'pain postcard', and wrote 'back off mate. its hurt!' he passed it to the postman, who's he told to wait in front of his door, so he can deliver the pain postcard to the muscle guy. in a flash, the muscle read the postcard and do what the must. together with the tendon and the joint, they moved the skeletal bones to accomplish a back off movement of our hand. looks like it was a long and complicated process kan? but everything actually happened in a milliseconds. Allah is great.

"sorry, do you have panadol?"
"yes. which one? actifast? soluble? or the normal one?"

do you remember, when we're consulting a doctor because we're not feeling well, he/she will ask a lot about our pain. where does the pain felt the most? how often you feel the pain? when did you start feeling the pain? try to do this- which one feel worse; like this or like this?

this is him/her communicating with our body to get a clue on what is the problem and how to solve it. 

"actifast please."
"okay. here."

the point is, pain is not necessarily a bad things to be experienced. in fact it is necessary. pain is a form of protection, it is our body telling us that something is not right, that we're doing something wrong that we might end up destroying ourselves. pain is the language of our physical body, telling us what is their problem.

pain do exist in both physical and physiological form. the case is the same for both. pain, either physical or physiological, serve as an indication of something out of equilibrium or some limitation that has been exceeded. and like our physical pain, our psychological pain is not necessarily a meaningless or even undesirable experience. in some cases, experiencing emotional or physiological pain can be healthy or necessary. like the emotional pain of rejection or failure teaches us how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

people don't come with pop up lights or sounds plus vibration notification, like how our smartphone tells us that its battery almost drained or we exceeded our data limit or its running out of storage space. we need the sensation of pain to let us know that our bodies and heart(no, not the physical heart) need an extra care. it is an important signal.

"how much?"
"seventy dollar and ten cent sir."

unfortunately, we often got ourselves deluded and distracted from reality of the world around us. we're so used to see all sort of pain as a negative that we lose the benefits of experiencing healthy doses of pain.

so, what if this pain is a delivered postcard, from Allah?
how should i reply to His message?

*there is a lot more about 'pain' from a rare positive views i found in my reading and from lectures i listened to. just like the latest writing on 'problem' before, this is me trying to re-write while connecting whatever i remember, and this is the longest i can write here. i'm sorry if the content was messed up just like my grammar. if someone is reading this, do ask if you need some titles for the books or the lectures. syafakallah.

Thursday, March 07, 2019

corrugated duct.

pantry. white coffee, hazelnut.

"morning bro."
"hi! morning." 

here is a tips; if you want to experiments life, you should make 'problems' as your constant variable.

hidup kita ni adalah rantaian masalah bah. masalah, masalah dan masalah. masalah tidak akan pernah berhenti untuk memunculkan dirinya, ia hanya bertukar bentuk atau/dan menjadi semakin sukar. kadang, penyelesaian satu masalah adalah pengenalan kepada masalah yang seterusnya. ini macam dalam pembinaan bangunan yang bertingkat-tingkat lah, kerja menyiapkan siling tingkat ke-enambelas adalah kerja menyediakan lantai untuk tingkat ke-tujuhbelas, yang masalahnya, perlu pula didirikan tiang, rasuk dan dindingnya. betul ka bossku?

"some of the corrugated duct in the beam run out of position." 
"is it? can i see the drawing?"

kita terkadang cuba lari daripada masalah dalam dua keadaan.

pertama, dengan hidup dalam penafian. pertama-tamanya, kita menafikan bahawa masalah itu wujud. dan kerana kita cuba menafi dan menolak realiti, kita perlu meletakkan diri kita dalam ilusi supaya perhatian dan pikiran kita lari daripada garisan realiti. ya, kita mungkin merasa nyaman dalam tempoh yang sekejap, tapi hakikatnya ini akan membawa kepada hidup yang penuh dengan insecurities dan excessive anxiety.

kedua, dengan kita memiliki mentaliti 'mangsa keadaan'. kita memilih untuk percaya bahawa tiada yang boleh kita lakukan untuk menyelesaikan masalah kita, walaupun sebenarnya ada banyak pilihan jalan penyelesaian. kita sentiasa akan mencari sesuatu untuk disalahkan. mungkin kita akan berasa aman, tapi cuma dalam tempoh terhad, akhir hujungnya perkara ini akan membawa kita kepada hidup yang penuh rasa amarah dan depresi.

"here. we measured it from centre to centre."
"how about the corrugated duct diameter?"
"oh ya, they use a bigger size than the originally stated in the drawing."
"i'll check first the starter bar size on the other component."

and here is the thing- by believing Allah is with us, of course He is, does not mean we will live a life free of problems. no, it doesn't work that way my fellow sinner(read: repenter). because, you know what, if this is true, all the prophets alaihi salam will live a clear easy life. but, we know well how quran potrays each and every of the prophet's life difficulties and breakdown from a constant problems occurrence. right?

by believing Allah is with us, indeed He is, come what may, we'll face it full-heartedly. because we know well it'll be worth it. we'll see and learn the wisdom behind every of those problems, maybe not in the latter stage of our wordly life, but in the hereafter.

oh ya, in this context, our emotions are valid too. just don't be afraid to feel them, okay?

"hmm.. this one should be no issue bro. they use a bigger diameter to play safe. the corrugated duct likely will move out of position during casting as there are vibrating poker. the dimensional space margin will be bigger with a bigger diameter corrugated duct. so, even if the centroid position of the corrugated duct run out, there is still an enough space for the rebar to goes in. as long as site can install the component smoothly, there should be no other concerns for this."
"oh, okay. understood."

jadinya, janganlah berharap untuk hidup tanpa masalah. mustahil. tapi, binalah hidup yang penuh dengan masalah-masalah yang baik. mungkin, kebahagiaan adalah bila kita jumpa masalah yang kita gembira untuk miliki dan selesaikan.

Friday, March 01, 2019

sticky notes.

gentle reminder:

for you, there will be rainbow after the rain falls today. for you, the sky will be full of stars tonight. for you, the sun will be shining again tomorrow. yes, you deserve them all. and just incase no one said this; you're amazing and wonderful. and if things aren't going well, just believe it will get better. and you will be alright.
and i'm here writing this- for you.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

hospitalized sunday.

here again.

brick facade covered general hospital.
emergency department.

the numbers written in the coupon given by the regisration counter is one zero zero four. and so does the digital numbers displayed on the electrical led board hanging above the door frame with the 'yellow zone' mark. i stood up and pushed afq's wheelchair into the room. the last time here, i was with fhn. he's fully recovered now, alhamdulillah.

i stayed inside with afq as he almost totally immobile with his injured knee that he broke yesterday after he tried kicking a ball in cristiano ronaldo's style. what a mess this dude. the doctor, a houseman i supposed, performed the triage for afq. a black stethoscope was put on top of some form in red colour that have a human anatomy illustration printed on it.

"i suspect you tore your meniscus. worry not. nothing serious here. you'll not be warded or need to undergo any surgery." 
"so, this is not an a-c-l (anterior cruciate ligament)?" 
"no, i don't think so. but anyway, i need  an x-ray of your knee." 
"and where can i get that?"

the doctor left and later came back with a piece of written paper. there were stamps of her name and designation as well as her boss on the paper. oh, i was right. she's in housemanship. you're doing fine doctor. well done and keep going.

"here. take this and pass it to the radiology department. come back here later with the x-ray film." 

i pulled afq's wheelchair out from the yellow zone room and head to the radiology department building, which was separated from the main building. it was a single-storey building accross the back road. from there, we can see the backside of the main building of the hospital. i think this hospital had already became my second favorite building. why? later. afq just finished his photoshoot session.

back to ed. passed the x-ray film to the doctor and we were told to wait outside while she consults her boss. after a while, she called us in and shared the final verdict.

"we'll half-cast your leg to minimize its movement for protection from any further damage as we'll refer your case to the orthopedic department for further diagnosis and necessary treatment. so, we'll provide you with painkillers and medication lotion you can apply to your knee."

at some isolated treatment room or maybe a casting lab, applying asbestos plaster cast on afq's leg was a medical assistant in full black and white uniform, and assisting him, were two excited medical trainees wearing white coat with their medical college name embedded at the chest. emm, maybe they're not here to assist but more to learn by hands on experience.

done at the ed, we went to the pharmacy, just nearby the ed inside of the main building to get paracetamols and another more powerful painkiller(i forgot the name) and some lotions. 

then lastly, we headed to the orthopedic department, situated at the polyclinic pink-painted building, about a hundred meters to the right of the main building, only to book an appointment there. yes, i pushed this messed up dude(syafakallah afq) on a worn out hospital's wheelchair with the scorching sun enlighten our path, only to book afq's date with the busy orthopedician. luckily i'm no candle prince, i'm a construction guy. no big deal, already used to this heated weather temperature. oh ya, we even need to pass through the parking gate where we almost took the paid parking ticket because the wheelchair have four wheels. literally. haha. 

sudden flashback. somehow, i remember  once during my highrise construction site life, i climbed scaffolding access up to the 20th floor(current highest floor) to meet our civil and structure (c&s) consultant only to be told to go down again and bring up another drawing. not once, but twice. it happens quite a lot i think that time. not until i learned to be more detail on each drawing i supposed to hold at the site. to study them critically before delivering any command to the workers or before i went for inspection with the consultant and the client.

while waiting at the queue exiting the hospital gate, i took one last glance. looking at the hospital building, it always physically looks well build. but who knows how much troubles and difficulties the construction team goes through to build it up as it is now. and the hospital building always looks calm from the outside, but who knows how emotionally hectic it was inside. i guess no one will understand the struggles but those who are actually part of the inside system.

utilitas, firmitas et venustas.
a great example.

Friday, February 01, 2019

into words.

hey, you! yes.. you! hold on to your pen. never let it go again, please. you're doing great. the world needs your words. maybe not for the entire human living in this spherical earthy world, but there is someone somewhere who somehow makes your writing as his/her world; source of light in their darkest hour and the remedy for their wounded soul. and here, now, i want to tell you that your future self could be that someone. there is hope in your present writing that your future self thought he/she had lost it forever.

yes, of course, life is full of ups and downs.
so, just keep writing, okay?

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

ainal mafar?

اللهم ان رأيتني ابتعد عنك فردني اليك ردا جميلا

oh Allah,
if You see me getting farther away from You,
return me to You in a beautiful way.