bukan tulisan renja hijo :)

Bismillah.

I'm writing this open letter to you, dear renja hijo. :)

Benar kata kamu, ada hal yang tak terungkap dengan kata-kata.
Seperti Zulaikha menjustifikasi keindahan Yusuf.
Seperti bagaimana Allah, menumpulkan perasaan ini sebelum mengenali benar jiwa tulusmu.
Dan bagaimana Dia juga, yang telah menyemai bibit cinta kita.

Kata Akh Salim A. Fillah di Jalan Cinta Para Pejuang;

Satu kata cinta Bilal,
"Ahad!"

Dua kata cinta Sang Nabi,
"Selimuti aku..!"

Tiga kata cinta Ummu Sulaim,
"Islammu, itulah maharku!"

Empat kata cinta Abu Bakar,
"Ya Rasulullah, saya percaya..!"

Lima kata cinta Umar,
"Ya Rasulullah, izinkan kupenggal lehernya!"

Terus.. berapa banyakkah kata cinta yang bisa diungkapkan? Bagaimana pula dengan kata cinta dari Tuhan? Sekian banyaknya takkan cukup dengan tinta seluas lautan.

Jadi buat aku, kamu tidak perlu mengungkapkan.
Cukup dengan membimbing aku ke jalan yang hanif.
Cukup bersama membina baitul muslim yang salim.
Cukup kita memaknai tujuan hidup.

Maka,
Genggam erat tanganku zauji,
Mari mengejar redha Ilahi.


Salam sayang,

Renja pink. ;)

tsumma Alhamdulillah.

mak, 

today i got married to a super lovely girl (she wrote me these secret daily letters since day 1 of our journey to this marriage; oh my Allah).  i'll introduce her to you when we all get reunited in jannah, insyaAllah. :)

another stage.

setiap minggu saya suka solat jumaat di masjid-masjid berlainan. bagi saya, setiap masjid ada vibes-nya sendiri. dan saya juga ada spot-spot tertentu yang saya suka duduk untuk mendengar khutbah pada masjid-masjid yang biasa saya singgahi. seperti semalam di masjid pulai indah, saya suka duduk di bahagian luar masjid. bersebelahan tempat mengambil wuduk.

sebab saya suka tengok budak-budak ambil wuduk. haha.

saya suka saksikan momen mereka berhadapan bersendirian dengan pili air sambil diperhatikan diam-diam oleh ayah mereka dari belakang berada dalam posisi rukuk di hadapan pili air, mereka termenung sebentar, menarik nafas dalam kemudian mula membuka pili air. setiap kali beralih di antara satu anggota wuduk ke satu anggota wuduk yang lain, mereka akan berhenti sebentar, termenung melihat air yang mengalir di bawah sambil berfikir, mengingat-ngingat kembali rukun wuduk "lepas ni apa? lepas ni apa?" tapi sepanjang itu sedikit pun mereka tidak terganggu oleh  pili-pili air di sebelah, orang-orang dewasa di kiri dan kanan yang lancar menyelesaikan wuduk mereka. fokus mereka hanyalah pada air yang terus mengalir dari pili di hadapan mereka, mencuba sehabis baik untuk menyempurnakan wuduk. akhirnya, setelah menyelesaikan semua anggota wuduk, mereka menutup pili air dengan penuh gembira dan berpaling pergi menuju ke arah ayah mereka dengan senyuman paling ceria.

inilah momen sederhana yang selalu saya jadikan tempat untuk bermuhasabah sendiri. muhasabah tentang proses dan perjalanan-perjalanan hidup. menjadi semakin dewasa hari ke hari, kita selalu beranggapan bahawa kita harus pantas dalam semua hal. sampai-sampai meletakkan tekanan tidak perlu kepada diri sendiri. merasa diri terlalu perlahan ketika orang lain sudah pun jauh bergerak. padahal hidup bukan perlumbaan. setiap manusia melalui jalanan yang masing-masing seperti yang ditetapkan Tuhan; jadinya untuk apa membanding-banding kelajuan? sampai atau tidak kita pada destinasi di hadapan tidak pernah ditentukan oleh halaju.

tidak perlu menoleh ke kiri dan kanan, teruskanlah melangkah ke hadapan, berehat jika perlu, selebihnya nikmati dan belajarlah dari apa saja yang ada pada jalanan yang sedang kita lalui. dan ya, kita tidak pernah terlalu dewasa untuk menjalani hidup seperti kanak-kanak atau memandang kehidupan dari kacamata seorang kanak-kanak.

___

*may Allah ease our journey ahead. :)

fasobrun jamil.

ada banyak hal-hal indah di dunia. seperti sinaran matahari hangat di waktu pagi yang dingin; seperti kucing jalanan yang membalas sapaan meow kita; seperti melepasi tiga persimpangan berterusan dengan semua lampu trafiknya berwarna hijau ketika kita melaluinya tanpa perlu berhenti; seperti mesin yang kembali berfungsi setelah dicuba berkali-kali untuk dihidupkan; seperti membaling masuk tin minuman(wonda coffee mungkin?) yang habis diminum ke tong sampah pada jarak lima meter dalam sekali percubaan; seperti sabar.



.



alangkah sederhananya perkataan nabi yaakub as yang dirakam Tuhan di dalam al-quran ini; 

    ---sabar itu indah.

padanya, tidak ada paksaan untuk bersabar. seperti ketika kita terpesona pada hujan, kita berkata 'hujan itu indah'; tidak ada paksaan untuk orang lain berbasah-basahan, nikmati ia sekadar yang kalian senangi. manakala padanya tidak ada maksud untuk menekan-nekankan bahawa begitu pentingnya sabar. tidak lebih, hanya ingin menyatakan keindahannya. keindahan sabar. bahawa setelah hari-hari yang sukar dan malam-malam yang panjang, pada kesabaran yang kita tetap berpaut padanya itu, ia akan menarik kita kepada sebuah realiti yang lebih indah, yang sungguh luar biasa, yang tidak tersangkakan oleh kita akan wujudnya. sepanjang itu ia tidak pula menolak kesedihan, tidak menafikan hak kita untuk meraikan rasa sedih; cukup untuk kita tahu, menerusi pantulan pada genangan-genangan itu, ia mahu menyatakan bahwa sabar itu indah. bahawa ketika kita memilih untuk bersabar- jawapannya; hasilnya; destinasinya- pasti tidak akan pernah mengecewakan. ada keyakinan yang ditiupkan bersama perkataan ini, bahawa pada akhirnya semua akan baik-baik sahaja. akan tiba masanya, tumbuh bunga-bunga wangi indah berwarna-warni dari akar penderitaan yang terus dipertahankan dengan berani.

___

*surah yusuf, ayat 13 & 18.

uniquely authentic.

jadilah dirimu sendiri yang sudah sedia indah itu.

selebihnya, kau indah tidak seperti apa atau sesiapa,

kau indah seperti diri dan jiwamu sendiri.

intercardinal point.

1.537400, 103.549600 

"you are the life you live day in day out, the courage you show the world and the strength you channel when you are feeling your weakest. you are the compassion and kindness that lives in your bones. the love you give out and the love you show yourself. you are the memories you make for you and for others. you are the knowledge that your bad days do not define your soul and life will keep on moving whatever it throws at you. you are you. there is no measure for delightful thing like that."

3.171600, 101.701800 

"i know you don't feel it and i know you can't see it, but you are doing fantastically well- and i'm so very proud. you will be okay and there will come a time when you look back on all these moments and feel so proud about how you made it through."

___
*reading these words by jess sharp to you. take care, okay?

plus one.

hi there! thanks for making du'a for me.

i'm doing great, alhamdulillah.

:)

pelanggan tetap.

"masih study lagi ke?"

"dah kerja kak."

"oh, bagus lah. dulu lepas habis utm terus kerja ke?"

"a'ah."

"oh, alhamdulillah."

"alhamdulillah."

"akak ingat lagi awak ni. masa akak masih meniaga kat meja dalam utm dulu. awak selalu datang kedai akak."

tahun pertama di utm. dari kolej, naik bas sampai fakulti alam bina. jalan kaki masuk kawasan lingkaran ilmu. sebelum atau selepas solat jumaat di masjid sultan iskandar(msi), selalu singgah di- ah lupa nama khusus bangunan tu, yang penting dalam bangunan tu ada pejabat hema, pejabat mpm, pejabat pos, bank islam dan kafetaria- lepastu ada satu kawasan khusus untuk orang-orang berjualan dengan meja bentang. setiap selasa lepas asar ada kuliah hadith ust mahyuddin di pusat islam, msi. kupas kitab riyadus solihin. tebal dan agak mahal kitabnya. mana ntah dapat duit boleh beli kitab tu di kedai akak. saban tahun sampai habis study masih selalu singgah kedai akak, sekadar belek-belek buku dan beli minyak wangi untuk pakai solat.

fasa bekerja. terjumpa lagi akak tu, oh dah ada kedai di u-mall, taman universiti. tingkat sama dengan giant supermarket, segiempat kecil di celah-celah lorong antara deretan kedai baju. barang jualannya semakin beraneka. kalau dalam utm jual buku dan minyak wangi saja, sini dah macam-macam. kelengkapan solat, jubah, kurtah, telekung, tudung dan buku pun makin banyak pilihan. saban tahun masih selalu singgah bila berkesempatan, cari kopiah, usha kemeja ala indonesia, yang selalu mas-mas pakai dalam movie-movie religi tu, klasik.. fans banget gue. haha. setahun atau dua tahun lepas rasanya, kedai akak berpindah lagi tapi masih dalam u-mall, giant pun dan tutup dan masuk vendor lain ambil alih ruangan utama supermarket. kali ini ruangan kedai akak semakin besar, lokasinya pun lebih terbuka mudah dilihat. barang jualan pun makin beraneka. lebih banyak pilihan.

tapi, soalannya masih sama setiap kali.

"masih study lagi ke?"

cuma tahun ni, ada tambahan sedikit.

"bila nak kahwin? nanti bawa la dia jalan-jalan ke sini."

anyway, tahniah akak dah semakin maju. semoga terus berkembang!
i'm a proud customer. emm, akak doakanlah saya dan dia.












___
*kamu juga, semoga sukses dan terus maju ya bisnesnya! 
**eh, apa ntah nama kedai akak tu? lol. baru tahu tak pernah tahu rupanya. 

read, again.

do you read?

naahhh.

i'm sorry.

of course you read.

you're reading this line now. 

pardon me.

let me try this again.

how do you read?

truth is, i was asking this question to myself. 

yet again.

that day. 

do i read like how i should read?

hmm, this is all came from the very first ayah of surah number ninety six. as i randomly flipping book pages- ah, fresh books paper always smells good- at the bookstore with my lovely sister, who also love to read (malay novels. and her ayat-ayat quite novelish sometimes. haha), i stumbled upon this ayah in the quran translation section.

"read, in the name of your Lord, the One Who created." (al-'alaq : 1)

suddenly, the earth stops spinning.

the clocks stop ticking.

a frozen moment.

silence.

a subtitle popped up at the bottom of the screen;

do i already read in the name of my Lord, the One Who created everything?

---

sungguh, 'membaca' dan 'membaca dengan nama Tuhan yang menciptakan segalanya' adalah dua hal yang sama sekali berbeza. membaca saja tidak cukup. perlu menyertakan Tuhan(yang menciptakan segalanya) dalam bacaan, supaya pembacaaan kita lebih terarah, lebih manusiawi, lebih hambawi. sebagai tambahan kepada buku-buku fizikal mahupun digital, di era kapsyen dan komen ini, perkataan ada di mana-mana. semuanya kembali kepada kita untuk membaca yang mana dan bagaimana. mendatangi perkataan-perkataan dengan wawasan 96:1, kita akan lebih selektif dan objektif dalam bacaan-bacaan kita. pembacaan kita seharusnya membawa kita kepada Tuhan. bebaslah untuk memilih buku dan membaca apa pun- science and technology, art and poetry, self-help and motivation, stranger's diary or confession, etc- semoga ia akan menunjukkan kita jalan pulang kepada Tuhan. otherwise, it is not worthy reading. maybe, just leave it. dan sebaik, seindah, semanis apa pun konten ataupun persembahan tulisan yang kita baca, kembalikanlah ia, bukan kepada penulisnya, tapi kepada Tuhan, yang menciptakan segalanya, termasuklah apa saja yang ditulis oleh penulis, atau perasaan yang kita rasakan ketika membaca tulisan itu, bahkan kita yang membaca dan penulisnya juga.

sunny rain.

tiada pohon yang akan tumbuh,
jika ditanam hanya dengan harapan. 

tetaplah ia akan mencari air dan cahaya. 

ia tumbuh dalam kelembapan,
dan ia tetap butuh kehangatan. 

ada kalanya ia dibasahi,
ada masanya ia diterangi.

ya Fattah.

o Allah,

open for us the doors to everything good
and the doors to peace and security
and the doors to health and wellness
and the doors to Your blessings
and the doors of Your barakah
and the doors to strength and perseverance
and the doors to love and care
and the doors to Your mercy
and the doors to Your sustenance
and the doors to knowledge
and the doors to Your forgiveness
and the doors to jannah.

tentang alasan.

sedar atau tidak, setiap daripada kita adalah alasan kepada seseorang. alasan untuk berubah, terus berjuang, kekal bertahan dan sebagainya. maka, sentiasalah berusaha menjadi alasan yang baik-baik dalam hati mahupun seluruh hidup orang-orang yang kita temui. kita sendiri juga ada kalanya menjadikan orang-orang yang kita temui sebagai sebahagian alasan-alasan baik ketika kita melakukan perjalanan-perjalanan hidup. alasan-alasan baik akan selalu membawa kepada alasan yang paling sempurna; Tuhan.

syntax error.

"poetry is what happens

when your mind stops working

and for a moment, all you do is feeling."

--atticus.

a prologue.

as we're done reading the introductory part

we flipped into the next page

but all there was an empty blank space

with a short note written in the middle; 

"this page is intentionally left blank" 

yes, the very first chapter is just one or two pages away 

but maybe the author wants us to take a break here

before the story prolong

to take a deep breath

to take a sip of water.

but perhaps the Author wants us to take a break here

before the journey begin

to calm our curious mind

to put our beating heart at ease.

then, from here on

let's understand each word

learn from every sentences

and cherish each and every paragraphs.

anyway, we're all set now

alhamdulillah.

so, bismillah.. 

___

170819; taman wawasan merotai johor bahru.

we're alive.

"we don't read and write poetry because it's cute. we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is filled with passion. and medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." 

         --john keating, dead poet society.

"tanpa cinta, kecerdasan itu berbahaya, dan tanpa kecerdasan, cinta itu tidak cukup." 

        --bacharuddin jusuf habibie.

saling menyiapkan.

membina hati adalah seperti membina rumah.

yang pertama dipersiapkan adalah lantainya, yang dialaskan pada strata tanah bumi. dari lantai ditumbuhkan tiang yang saling berhubung antara satu sama lain. hujung-hujung tiang menyambut atap yang meneduhkan.

maka ketika atap itu bersungguh kita siapkan, ada jiwa-jiwa yang berlalu berpapasan dan mereka senang melihat kita membina tempat berteduh daripada teriknya hidup, dan mereka suka pula bertanya jika mereka boleh singgah untuk mendapatkan nyaman daripada teriknya hidup jika kita sudah selesai menyiapkan ruang teduh itu nanti. sambil menyeka peluh hangat di dahi, kita tersenyum dan berkata, "silakan."

demikian setelah itu, batu-bata merah mulai disusun, lapisan demi lapisan meninggi, ruangan dari lantai ke atap tertutup perlahan-lahan. ah, jiwa-jiwa tadi menyangka kita rupanya mahu bersendiri, ruang yang kita bina ini adalah ruang privasi dan rahasia. jangan masuk. tidak boleh berteduh di sini. dunia luar adalah dunia luar manakala dunia di dalam ruang ini adalah dunia di dalam ruangan ini.

padahal kita belum selesai.

pada dinding itu, ada pintu yang akan kita pasangkan. pintu yang menjadi laluan untuk kita keluar ke dunia melakukan perjalanan mencari hikmah dan pedoman. pintu yang menjadi laluan masuk untuk kita menyimpan hikmah dan pedoman yang kita temui supaya sentiasa terjaga dan tidak akan rusak. pintu yang sedia menjemput siapa pun jiwa yang ikhlas mahu berteduh dan saling berbagi ruang pengalaman pembelajaran dan cerita dari perjalanan-perjalanan hidup.

padahal kita belum selesai.

pada dinding itu, ada jendela yang akan kita tampalkan. jendela kaca lutsinar yang membiaskan cahaya matahari fajar, yang menjadi gelanggang butir-butir air hujan meluncur, juga sebagai layar skrin yang menayangkan persembahan cahaya bulan dan bintang. dari dalam ruang ini, kita menelaah dunia menerusi jendela itu tanpa perlu risau apa pun cuacanya. ya, kita tidak lari daripada dunia, bahkan semakin akrab.

 

ya, rupanya kita belum selesai, kan?

jendela-jendela dinding itu sedang kita tampalkan masing-masing.

dan pintunya, yang cuma ada satu itu, nanti kita akan pasang bersama.

sunset sky.

there in your journey

you keep going and growing

blooming beautifully

like the sunset sky.

i love sunset sky.

do you?

menyepakatkan tujuan.

dalam perjalanan yang akan tidak dijalani berseorangan, yang terpenting adalah menyepakatkan tujuan. sama ada tujuan yang ingin dituju itu adalah destinasi fizikal, destinasi fikiran atau destinasi perasaan. kesepakatan tujuan membawa dua pasang langkah kaki yang mungkin melalui jalanan yang berbeza tapi menuju destinasi yang sama, bukan dua pasang langkah kaki yang mungkin melalui jalanan yang sama tapi menuju destinasi yang berbeza.

dalam perjalanan yang akan tidak dijalani berseorangan, yang terpenting adalah menyepakatkan tujuan. doa yang dihantar kepada Tuhan selepas kesepakatan itu tidak lagi "ya Allah, bimbinglah aku di perjalanan ini." tapi doanya bernada serentak, "ya Allah, bimbinglah kami di perjalanan ini." kesepakatan tujuan mengubah kata ganti nama diri, aku atau dia kepada kami dan kita. kesepakatan tujuan mengubah kata penghubung dalam setiap usaha yang membersamai doa, semuanya tidak lagi aku atau dia, tapi kami dan kita. kesepakatan tujuan membina kepercayaan dan kerjasama.

kesepakatan adalah separuh daripada kemenangan dan permulaan penting kepada perjuangan bersama dalam perjalanan menuju tujuan. terima kasih kerana sudi bersepakat dan saling terus berjuang dalam perjalanan ini.

___
210719; putrajaya.

of poetry.

foto merakam emosi abstrak 

sedang kata selalu menjelaskan.

foto dan kata tergabung dalam puisi. 

puisi mahu menjelaskan dengan kata-kata 

tapi akhirnya tertulis terlalu abstrak.

puisi mahu berselindung di balik abstrak

tapi kata-katanya tertulis begitu jelas.

ketahuilah,

puisi ditulis untuk dinikmati 

dan sederhana dihargai apa adanya.

tidak selalu perlu difahami.

sunday ride.

"one's destination is never a place,

but a new way of seeing things."

--henry miller.

morning saudade.

"how to have a better understanding?

"on what?"

"emm, life in general maybe?"

"learn how to read between the lines."

"else?"

"look for the little tiniest detail in everything."

"then how to appreciate?"

"what?"

"life in general?"

"same."

"same?"

"yes."

"how?"

"try to look for the real or hidden meaning behind the superficial appearance of something. and those little things, those little moments; they aren't little."

metafora rasa.

ajari aku

menggunakan pena,

akan kutulis 

gemercik air,

udara dingin,

kabut senja,

sampai daun gugur.

kenalkan aku

pada aksara,

akan kubaca

rintik hujan,

aroma kopi,

langit jingga,

sampai tumbuh bunga. 

lovely pakcik.

tahiyatul masjid.

azan zuhur.

serak-serak basah suara pakcik laung azan.

qabliyah zuhur.

masjid lengang, tidak seperti selalunya.

paling tidak ada dua tiga pakcik lain.

atau pekerja-pekerja asing.

lima minit berlalu.

pakcik toleh belakang.

sepuluh minit berlalu.

pakcik pandang sekeliling.

lima belas minit.

pakcik bangun.

pakcik bukak lipatan sejadah yang sudah sedia ada di tempat imam.

"nak, iqamat boleh?" 

"boleh pakcik."

aku angkat sejadah yang sedia terhampar melintang di saf pertama, hampar semula arah menegak di sebelah kanan sejadah imam, sedikit ke belakang.

hanya kami berdua, dari mula pakcik angkat takbiratul ihram sampailah pakcik selesai memimpin doa kami berdua selepas tunaikan empat rakaat.

and since then, i can't help but to think about pakcik whenever i can't make it to the mosque. it could be the loneliest day for him. i can only felt so grateful that Allah had chosen me (as i know who i am) to be pakcik's companion that day, to be the one delivering the love from Allah to pakcik. hopefully i delivered it well to you pakcik.

it made me thinks that Allah will never leave His lover, like pakcik, to be alone or feels alone. 

___

*if i live long enough(if Allah wills), i do have an ambition; whatever i'll be doing with or wherever i'll end up in my professional career, as i settled down with life, someday, somewhere, i really want to be a 'tok siak'. to fully devote my remaining time in this world, taking care of His mosque. and i'm not looking for any position in the so called ajk pentadbiran masjid, i just want to be.. seorang tok siak- bukak pintu. sapu lantai. bentang sejadah. cuci tandas. bersihkan tempat wudhuk. laung azan. sediakan talam iftar. susun selipar. tutup suis. yang begitu-begitu. sungguh, selalu ada ketenangan di masjid.

of writings.

i'm not good with words.

if i tell you that i've erased words more than i wrote them, 

will you believe me?

you may ask, how is that even possible?

we can only erase something that was already written.

as you re-read the statement earlier,

you became more convinced that, 

it is mathematically not logic.

yes, you're right.

i'm not writing anything.

so, there's nothing to erase here.

because,

my story,

and yours,

were never ours,

for us,

to write,

or to erase,

or to re-write,

any words,

in it.

it was His,

The Greatest of Writer.

written;

perfectly.

i realized..

up until today, i still owe You a lot of 'astaghfirullah',
and yet there are many things that i didn't 'alhamdulillah' for.

o Allah, please guide me.

06 syawal 1440 hijrah | merotai.

eid mu-burasak.

pepatah bugis ada mengatakan,

sompe' ko nak, musappai sitongenna alemu
sompe' ko nak, na muisseng riaseng uddani

dan saban tahun, syawal adalah waktu untuk
kembali kepada makna-makna ini.

___
lao massappa deceng, lisu mappadeceng.

of gratitude.

o Allah, You humbles me in the most beautiful way.

:')

alternate reality.

"it's okay to be tired as long as you're not tired with Allah."

ended // finished.

“try to imagine a life without timekeeping. you probably can’t. you know the month, the year, the day of the week. there is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. you have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. birds are not late. a cat does not check its watch. deer do not fret over passing birthdays. man alone measures time. man alone chimes the hour. and, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. a fear of time running out.”

    --mitch albom; the time keeper.

___
laytaka dauman qareeb, ramadhan. 

washed away.

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْنِي مِنَ التَّوَّابِينَ وَاجْعَلْنِي مِنَ الْمُتَطَهِّرِينَ

o Allah,

make me among those who turn to You in repentance,

and make me among those who are purified.

live qualitatively.

if anyone ask you about the weather forecast today, will you objectively tell them the expected degree celcius or will you tell them what best to enjoy today- whether to go for a walk at the park under the sun or to enjoy subtle moments in a chilly public library as rain falls hard outside? you've done this a hundred times- looking back- but your past still hasn't changed, isn't it? don't you want to try looking forward for once? the scenery ahead looks brighter and refreshing. it is not the length of your words that matter, but the depth. say what you mean and mean what you say. you've traveled a long path and reached a far destination, but what did you records along your journey; your footsteps count, together with all the stumbles and the falls? so, all you have is a numerical data? or did you go beyond numbers and jot down how He is giving you strength in those difficult moments, because you know you're afraid and you don't feel that tough but somehow you still have the courage to stand back up, to keep on fighting? these are the important pages you will flip and read again for your case citation in the future as you progress further in life. yes, of course you know the importance of correctly numbering things in life. but what is more important is how you define the value of everything, where it is not always decided by the numbered bar code tagged on them. remember this, not everything that counts can be counted. the point of du'a is the conversation- between you and Allah. yes, you've made countless du'a up until now. some of them had already became a script or rather a lyric that you keep on repeating after finishing your daily salah, five times a day. your lips automatically pronounce each and every words in the script, mindlessly. heartlessly. hey, do you even want to conversate with Him? if you really want to get into conversation with Allah, you should focus your mind and put a sincere heart into whatever you want to tell or ask Him, and put ultimate trust that He got your words(even in your silence) and He eventually will reply and guide you.

"and when My servants ask you, [o muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. so let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided."  (2:186)

___

*'you'/'your' in the paragraph was written(and read) as i/me/my.

quantitative maps.

the date is zero seven zero five one nine. workshop day two. the chevrons, forty eight boon lay way, singapore six zero nine nine six one- level three, hall number four. eight thirty am till five pm. done. route option number one, the fastest, one hour and seventeen minutes. head out, walk for twelve minutes, eight hundred and fifty metres to jurong east mrt station. station id: ew-two-four/ns-one. east west line pasir ris. sixteen minutes and eight stops. outram park stop. walk for one minute to outram park mrt station. station id: ne-three. north east line punggol. thirty minutes and fourteen stops. punggol stop. walk for eight minutes, six hundred metres. six forty seven pm expected to reach masjid al-islah, thirty punggol field, singapore eight two two eight one two. maghrib- seven eight pm and isya'- eight nineteen pm. ramadhan day two, third night of taraweeh. quran, rasm uthmani, page number forty eight, juz number three. leave at ten pm. route going back option number one, the fastest, one hour and seventeen minutes. start with walking six hundred metres for eight minutes to punggol mrt station. station id: ne-one-seven. take north east line harbour front. thirty three minutes fifteen stops. harbourfront stop. walk for three minutes to harbourfront station exit b. bus stop id one four one two one. take bus number thirty- boon lay. fourteen minutes eighteen minutes. get down at bus stop opp pasir panjar po, id one six zero seven one. walk for one hundred thirty metres for one minutes to pasir panjang inn, four zero four pasir panjang road, singapore one one eight seven four one. estimated time of arrival is eleven seventeen pm.

so, how to get there?
be here.

late notification.

 

remember that time you thought you could never survive?
you actually did. 

and you can do it again.


be brave.
be patient.
be kind.
be you.

rising up.

"to be human is to understand that happiness isn’t a constant. but to be human is to understand that neither is sorrow, or grief, or heartache. to be human is to feel it all, to welcome the lessons that come with the dark days, to welcome the softness that comes from the lightness of what saves you. to be human is to try, with every inch of your patchwork soul, to be proud of who you are. to care. to heal. to be your own home, even on the days you don’t like yourself, even on the days where it doesn’t come naturally. to be human is to grow in the ups, and to grow in the downs. so keep growing. keep growing."

    --bianca sparacino; i promise that you are growing, even in the dark.

la vie.

berdoalah--

untuk semuanya.
atas segalanya.

kalau sekarang hatimu penat, jiwamu lelah dan tubuhmu letih; berdoalah. kalau sekarang perasaanmu tenang, fikiranmu aman dan ragamu lapang; berdoalah. kalau sekarang langit di sana mendung, kelam dan penuh dentuman; berdoalah. kalau sekarang langitmu meriah dengan kelip bintang, sinar matahari dan cahaya bulan; berdoalah. kalau sekarang perjalananmu buntu, masa depanmu kabur dan langkahmu tidak yakin; berdoalah. kalau sekarang urusanmu lancar, pandanganmu jelas dan laluanmu tidak macet; berdoalah. kalau sekarang kau masih mencari jawapan atas soalan-soalanmu yang kelmarin; berdoalah. kalau sekarang pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu sudah pun terjawab; berdoalah. kalau sekarang iman terasa hangat, ibadah masih mudah dan memaknakan istighfar itu ringan; berdoalah. kalau sekarang taqwa terasa sukar, ikhlas semakin pudar dan airmata taubat kian kontang; berdoalah. kalau ketika ini kau mulai ragu apakah kau mendoakan hal yang sepatutnya selama ini; berdoalah. kalau ketika ini kau bahagia kerana merasakan doa-doamu yang lama kau pertahankan mulai terwujud satu persatu; berdoalah.

dan setelah semua itu, jika kau masih punya sedikit ruang dalam tadah tanganmu yang tidak tahu ingin kau isikan dengan apa, apakah boleh jika aku yang menumpang di situ untuk doamu yang baik-baik? 

ya, ketika dunia sementara yang penuh dengan ketidaksempurnaan ini saban waktu dikosmetikkan dengan segala khayalan untuk menyempurnakan tampilannya supaya manusia melupakan hakikat keabadian akhirat, kita tidak punya harapan lain selain doa-doa kita kepada Tuhan. mungkin masing-masing di antara kita sedang menanggung dosa peribadi yang sebolehnya ia kekal sebagai urusan rahsia hanya antara diri kita sendiri dengan Tuhan, sehingga kita menemukan jalan keluar daripada kegelapan itu. sungguh, setiap inci dalam bungkusan doa kita terlalu berharga untuk disia-siakan. maka, marilah saling berkongsi ruang kerana entah kiriman doa yang mana yang akan sampai dalam keadaan terbaiknya kepada Tuhan. untuk semuanya dan atas segalanya-- Tuhan Maha Mengetahui sedangkan kita tidak mengetahui.

coffee stains.

hmm, how should i tell you about this. nah, i think i'll just leave it raw. anyway, this is from bayyinah- a concise commentary of surah yusuf. the very first part from the total of fifteen.

surah yusuf (surah number 12) is among the most told stories in sunday school culture. but the way it was told, it is so tragic.. it is not told as an exciting things. Allah called it as the best stories(ayah number three). when a muslim teenager or a ten or twelve years old said, "okay.. it is the best stories because Allah said so." then what it's mean is she/he was not convinced. why? because we haven't done enough job in telling the story. 

there is another secret ingredient to this too. today, what's the value of a story? entertainment.

but Allah's call it is the best stories. He put this in a contest. this is the best of something, it is number one. now who are the other contender to the story? every novels, every short stories, every movies, every tv shows, every season and every episode of a tv shows, every piece of poetry that may have a piece of story in it, every cartoons, every comic books, every video games that have story line in it, everything.. they're all in one side. and surah yusuf was on the other side. 

that's a pretty epic challenge. 

you'll not see the value of the story and you'll see that come, on who's gonna give this more ratings than this movie that just came out or that epic saga or whatever else.. right? the problem is one thing, and one fundamental thing only. 

the reason why people gravitate towards the story is an entertainment. we go like.. to see a movie cause it is entertaining. you don't sit there with notes. and you don't sit there  and "there's life lesson there when he stab a guy" or  "the guy kick him in the face.. there's another wisdom to be learnt." you see.. it's an action movie.. watching it like.. it was pretty awesome.. "i've got see that scene again.." there's nothing beyond the entertainment value. 

and entertainment is very flailing, in other word it doesn't last. the nature of entertainment is you don't normally get entertained by the same things too many time over and over again. so, if you already seen it, if you already heard it, the next time around you'll not get entertained by this much because you.. the anticipation, the anxiousness of what gonna happen next, the mystery it is all already been solved. you know like.. when you're watching a thriller or mystery movie or something.. they don't solve the puzzle until the very last scene. but since you already known what gonna happen or when your horrible friend, who already told you what gonna happen when the movie starts, "oh thats the killer." and you was like "seriously?" if that's the case then no entertainment for you. 

now the quran by necessity, it was repeated a lot. like we're gonna repeat this story a lot. which means the idea, the sentiment, the attitude we have to all stories which is "i already heard this.. i already know what's gonna happen.. so no mystery to me.." it's very natural if we bring that attitude to the story in the quran. it's not unnatural cause.. that's the story. 

the change and the appreciation will come when we understand something that Allah bring out at the end of this surah. Allah said, in the story there are emotionally moving lessons(ayah number one hundred eleven). ibrah(in this ayah) comes from ayn ba ra- ma'abarah means to cross water. ibrah also used when you learn a lesson so moving to you that a tear from your eye crosses over. in other word you can't hold the tear anymore. it is that emotionally moving. 

Allah said, in the story, if you're paying attention, you gonna find your own story. it's gonna relate so well and it's gonna moved you to tears. that's what He's saying. in another words, when you reading this story it's like you're reading your own story. 

ah, i don't think we have enough time and space here to go through everything in details. so, i'll just keep things original and simple as it is. so, this is from another lecture, but not from the same session or medium as above. still, the speaker is the same- nak. a long lecture and this part i captured below is somewhere in the middle.

i love the story of yusuf a.s particularly. because of the goodness(khair) in it. all those years his father(yaakob a.s) cried, yes? his father almost lost his eyesight and eventually he became blind from crying. but all this time where was yusuf a.s? yusuf a.s was in a prison. he was a child servant. when he got old enough he was thrown into prison. he spent many of his years in jail. so either he served as a servant or he served as a prisoner inmate in jail. not a good life. that's not a good life. but at the end of it all when he interprets the dream of a king, and that dream means that the entire economy is going to collapse in seven years. and people are going to die from starvation, the only one who knows how to handle that crisis was yusuf a.s. 

had he not been in jail he would have never helped the king. if yusuf a.s was with his father the whole time that never would have happened. but now yusuf a.s is there to interpret the dream and says "i am the one who can take care of this responsibility." "make me the treasury secretary." "give me the responsibility" when he does that and he take care of it, what happens next? what happens next is thousands if not hundreds of thousands of parents don't have to cry that their children died of starvation. one father cried for several years. but his tears, Allah made them a way of saving thousands of family from crying. because if he didn't save that economy, and he didn't save that crop, the entire land would have been in drought. and people would've died of starvation and war would've happened. all kinds of crisis would've happened. 

sometimes the difficulty you go through isn't just better for you, maybe through your difficulty you will become an ongoing charity for so many others. you don't even know. you might not understand today or tomorrow but eventually Allah will reveal why you went through everything you did.

yeah, that's it.

a homograph.

this is confusing. have you ever wonder why patient and patient spelled and pronounced the same? then how to explain the difference in meanings between these two words when they were put in a connected concept situation? like do a doctor always told their patient to be patient? or do someone need to embrace the experience of being a patient to learn how to be patient? or do a patient soul was once a suffering patient in the past, but now healed and activated their self-healing ability? i don't know. 

do you know?

paracetamol 500mg.

teet.

that is the sound of price barcode scanner at the cashier counter.

teet.

teet.

"how much?"

"sixty one dollar and ninety three cent sir."

by the way, can we talk about pain? what is pain? for me, pain is a postcard. i mean, its a part of communication mechanism in our body. try this- when our finger touch a hot stove, the sensory cell quickly wrote a postcard about what the finger is up to and drop it to the mail box. he wrote down the tracking number too, just in case anything happen to his precious postcard. soon after, the postman, the nerve, picked up the postcard from the mail box. he read the address- brain, in the head. unlike our courier service here, the nervous system have a very effective working system. the postcard arrived at the head and the brain read it right at the moment he received it. 'brain bro, i think this finger dude here will get us burned, you should tell him to stop now.' panicky, the brain pull his drawer out and quickly took out the 'pain postcard', and wrote 'back off mate. its hurt!' he passed it to the postman, who's he told to wait in front of his door, so he can deliver the pain postcard to the muscle guy. in a flash, the muscle read the postcard and do what the must. together with the tendon and the joint, they moved the skeletal bones to accomplish a back off movement of our hand. looks like it was a long and complicated process kan? but everything actually happened in a milliseconds. Allah is great.

"sorry, do you have panadol?"

"yes. which one? actifast? soluble? or the normal one?"

do you remember, when we're consulting a doctor because we're not feeling well, he/she will ask a lot about our pain. where does the pain felt the most? how often you feel the pain? when did you start feeling the pain? try to do this- which one feel worse; like this or like this?

this is him/her communicating with our body to get a clue on what is the problem and how to solve it. 

"actifast please."

"okay. here."

the point is, pain is not necessarily a bad things to be experienced. in fact it is necessary. pain is a form of protection, it is our body telling us that something is not right, that we're doing something wrong that we might end up destroying ourselves. pain is the language of our physical body, telling us what is their problem.

pain do exist in both physical and physiological form. the case is the same for both. pain, either physical or physiological, serve as an indication of something out of equilibrium or some limitation that has been exceeded. and like our physical pain, our psychological pain is not necessarily a meaningless or even undesirable experience. in some cases, experiencing emotional or physiological pain can be healthy or necessary. like the emotional pain of rejection or failure teaches us how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

people don't come with pop up lights or sounds plus vibration notification, like how our smartphone tells us that its battery almost drained or we exceeded our data limit or its running out of storage space. we need the sensation of pain to let us know that our bodies and heart(no, not the physical heart) need an extra care. it is an important signal.

teet.

"how much?"

"seventy dollar and ten cent sir."

unfortunately, we often got ourselves deluded and distracted from reality of the world around us. we're so used to see all sort of pain as a negative that we lose the benefits of experiencing healthy doses of pain.



so, what if this pain is a delivered postcard, from Allah?
how should i reply to His message?












___
*there is a lot more about 'pain' from a rare positive views i found in my reading and from lectures i listened to. just like the latest writing on 'problem' before, this is me trying to re-write while connecting whatever i remember, and this is the longest i can write here. i'm sorry if the content was messed up just like my grammar. if someone is reading this, do ask if you need some titles for the books or the lectures. syafakallah.